Dear Alaska,
Regarding your offer to share your governor as the Republican Party's candidate for vice-president, this was very nice of you: sharing is always a good thing. But we'll have to say thanks, but no thanks: we'd like to request you come get her and take her back to Alaska.
All she can seem to do is repeat the stale lines she's being told to say by her handlers and attack people who don't agree with her narrow point of view. While this might be perfect for Alaska, where the nights last six months allowing people to sleep through her monotonous and mean-spirited diatribes, it's not working down here in the contiguous 48 states where we have to be awake more. Also, let's be honest: hearing Sean Hannity and Greta Van Susteren ask her the same questions over and over is getting sort of boring.
What's most important, though, is that you need to know she's been duped by the McCain campaign; they picked her as a patsy in a massive pander to a base that hates John McCain. Sure, this base loves her by comparison to John, but she's not running for president, and after all, this same base voted for John's pal George W. Bush... twice... so consider the source.
Sadly, she's hitched her wagon to a falling star, to a guy who will take the Republican Party down with him and ruin it for compassionate conservatives everywhere if he continues to behave as he has, and no one wants that. Further, he'll ruin your governor's chances at a political future if she continues to go along with his erratic behavior: think about it, she won't have smart people, like those running McCain's campaign, telling her what to say.
If she gets out now she might have a shot at president in another four years, but if she stays, she might crash and burn with her running mate.
Also, you all just need to be practical about this: your governor needs to be back in Alaska in order to give The First Dude rides to the courthouse so he can respond to the subpoena that was issued in his name. Plus, let's face it head on: all America needs her in Alaska so she can keep an eye on Russia in case that jerk Putin rears his head and comes into the airspace of the US, so coming and getting her now would be good for everyone. After all, everyone knows that Republicans truly believe altruism is its own reward.
In closing, I'd like to thank you once again for allowing us to spend time with your governor. It's been a slice of heaven, but heaven can wait. Now please, come and get her.
Sincerely,
A Whole Bunch of Americans
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