The Liz and Dick movie... no, really...

Before I begin with what will possibly be perceived as a frivolous and thoroughly shallow attempt at humor at someone else's expense, please know that I know this will probably be perceived as a frivolous and thoroughly shallow attempt at humor at someone else's expense. Further, I know there are only more important things going on in the world, but I'd like to think that sometimes laying off the serious things isn't a bad thing. 

OK. 

I haven't seen the new "Liz and Dick" film and I probably won't. What I have seen are A)  several clips of the "lowlights," and B) at least a dozen headlines suggesting that Lindsay Lohan's acting is not very good... lacking believability... underwhelming... unworthy of the character she's playing... etc, etc. 

As a result of my extensive empirical research.. cough, cough... and this clearly bridled enthusiasm, I'm left to wonder a couple of things. 

But first we must agree that Elizabeth Taylor is an icon, one of the preeminent actresses of the 20th Century, a legend that other legends wish they were. We should also agree that while some of her work might have been a wee bit over the top ("Cleopatra" and "...Virginia Woolf" come to mind), she otherwise almost always seemed to be pitch perfect. In short, the woman could act.

Now, compare this to Ms. Lohan's work, and one really has to work hard --- very... very... VERY hard --- to see any parallels, to see the logic in casting Ms. Lohan as Dame Elizabeth Taylor. 

What the hell do I know about acting? I couldn't convince Sister Humiliana that I didn't write my dad's name on my lousy sixth-grade report card (maybe this just meant I was a bad liar or a worse forger). But I do know enough to know this casting move was a bad idea well before it had enough to it to even qualify as the germ of a seed of a bad idea. Who's idea was this? Who agreed with it? Was someone paid money to cast her in this role? 

How bad an idea was this?

Like someone needing a 50-foot-long hedge pruned, paying the 10-year-old kid who mows the lawn to do it, then being shocked when the hedge looks like the kid used his lawn mower on it. 

Like someone needing a heart transplant, asking a school nurse to perform the surgery, and then being disappointed when the patient dies on the table.** 

Like asking The Three Stooges to do... well... anything.

No wait. 

It's exactly like someone wanting to make a film about a person who could act well, asking a person who can't act well to play the role, and then everyone wondering what went wrong when it does go wrong. 

Who would even say the name "Elizabeth Taylor" and then, without an apparent trace of irony, allow it to collide in the same sentence with the words "Lindsay" and "Lohan?" What's even more remarkable is that some have suggested Ms. Lohan is saddened by the rotten reviews. I feel badly for her, but what did she expect to happen? Didn't she know in advance that she would be as out of her depth as a cap-pistol at a gunfight? As a Kleenex in a wind tunnel? 

How far away did objectivity actually have to travel on its holiday from reality?

Look, I think Ms. Lohan is worthy of some sympathy. She's had lousy things happen to her (albeit, many of which were her own doing), and according to her and press reports about her, her father has been less a dad and more a deadbeat dickhead, with her mom not being a whole lot better. I do feel badly for Ms. Lohan, I do, but playing Elizabeth Taylor? Nope.

How can anyone be sincerely surprised at what resulted from this truly terrible idea?

Yes, I feel better now, thanks.

P.S. Could this be another example of The Peter Principle? In the fluffy roles in which she's been cast, she's been fluffy fine. But playing Liz was maybe beyond her abilities. Yes, stretching can be good, but this stretch is beyond even Reed Richards' abilities.

P.P.S. And now, we have this post-film incident, per The Daily Beast. "She's had lousy things happen to her (albeit, many of which were her own doing)..."

**I say this with all deference to school nurses everywhere; some of my best friends have served as school nurses, but you hopefully see the point.