The preferred grater of gold buyers everywhere...

So now even G. Gordon Liddy is hawking gold as an inflation hedge and investment. Wow... just when you thought the G-man couldn't get any creepier, he outdoes himself.

But my question is, if all the gold hoarders think dollars will die away, how will they actually spend their gold (not to mention where) when the time comes? Seriously. Think about it.

Gold now comes with exotic names, such as, Buffalos, Eagles, and Kangaroos, Maple Leafs and Britannicas, and even Philharmonics and Vienna Philharmonics. But are any of these denominated in a truly usable, spendable amount? How do you get change?

"Say buddy, can you break a Buffalo?"

If dollars will be no more, how will you use these gold coins (let alone carry them around)? I guess you'll have to pay $50 for everything valued at $50 or less.

But I have a solution: The Gold Greater!®

Just pull out a Buffalo and The Gold Greater!® and shave off exactly what you need to purchase those little items, like a 64-oz. Slushie and a pack of Marlboros at yur local 7-11. Need a shave and a haircut? Reach for The Gold Greater!® and just shave away!

Not sure how much to take off? Have no fear: The Gold Greater!® has four sides so you can choose the fineness or coarseness that's right for your purchase, and it comes with a scale so you can weigh your gold shavings; after all, you wouldn't want to overpay, now would you. Heaven forbid.

And if you order right now, we'll even include a leather pouch to store gold shavings you're given as change and a .357 Magnum revolver* you can use to protect yourself from all the people who will try to rob you of your gold shavings and coins.

Yup, The Gold Greater!® will solve the dilemma of overpaying with those precious gold coins and alleviate your concerns about converting from bucks to bullion.

So, go ahead. Smooth operators are standing by. Take Mr. Liddy's advice. Buy some Buffalos today! Because when it comes to spending enormous amounts of money on a completely speculative venture with absolutely no guarantee of any meaningful return, why wouldn't you take the advice of a convicted felon?

I sure can't think of a reason, and besides, The Gold Greater!® can help ease your mind about trusting even the most scurrilous creeps intent on leveraging most of your money.

*License, registration, ammunition, and CCW Certificate not included; void where prohibited; limit 12 firearms per family as supplies are limited.