Dear Canada,
Hey.... it's the USA dropping a line! Just wanted to write and tell you how sorry we are for your Rob Ford. He just has to be our fault and we're very, very sorry. No matter how patient, sane, well meaning, or positive anyone is, no one can stand up to the onslaught of stupid shit going on here, which is probably spilling over into your country.
Being so close to us, you have to watch and listen to our far-right politicians whining that Obamacare is government intrusion and over-reach even as these same knuckleheads pass law after law that allows that very same government to reach farther and farther into the vaginas of American women.
You stand as a silent witness as we keep walking to the edge of the fiscal cliff, almost bringing about global depression by playing childish games with our debt-ceiling.
You suffer as we put up more and more impediments to your crossing our northern border, a border shared by a staunch ally and one of our largest trading partners.
You have to put up with spilled-over TV and radio broadcasts that include pathologically stupid people like Rep. Louie Gohmert (R-TX), Rep. Steve King (R-IA), Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX), Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-MN), and the far-right-of-right-wing voices of Sarah Palin, Michelle Malkin, Rush Limbaugh, Ann Coulter, Mark Levin, and any number of Faux News folks paid to speak without thinking. Even some of our left-wingnuts, like MSNBC's own Martin Bashir, can be mean-spirited and crazy-making as they practice their own special brand of ready-fire-aim commentary.
It's small wonder that anyone could wade through this flood of fools and stay dry and clean.
So it's not at all surprising that Toronto's own mayor, the Honorable Rob Ford, has finally... er... cracked and turned to drugs and alcohol, as well as to the Olympic-class gibberish-spouting usually reserved for our most dumb-assed politicians and mean-spirited talking heads. Sure, you fairly and squarely elected Stephen Harper as your PM, but it could be argued that he'd been hanging around with folks like Bush 43 and his handler, Darth Cheney, so Mr. Harper is probably our fault as well. Anyway, please know that it's not been easy for us either and we all (well, some of us) feel really badly about all of it.
Hey, look at the bright side! Before you know it, Mr. Ford will be a distant memory and you'll be back to being aghast and agog at one of our holier-than-everyone politicians once again opining about this or that end-of-times-inducing activity or at our absurdly abiding anxiety that someone from Canada might try to bring a gun into a country that already has five times more guns in it than Canada has people. You might even miss Rob, who knows?
Please take care and write when you can.
Your friend,
The United States of America
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Dear United States of America,
Thanks for getting back. We realize you’ve been busy with that whole blow-up of the economy and what with those couple of wars and the government closing down for a bit there maybe you didn’t get that memo of congratulations and encouragement we sent about electing Obama and considering the public option for a healthcare plan. No biggie, our postal system isn’t what it used to be.
About the whole “Rob Ford thing” – it’s not your fault. Seriously no country has a monopoly on the dangerously stupid and I have to admit we all breathed a huge sigh of relief that you got rid of that Dubya fellow. I mean it was funny for awhile and we were happy to pitch in on the Afghanistan adventure but, Jesus Murphy, he had us worried for a time there. Sorry for the biblical reference, we realize that kind of talk can put you on thin ice down your way, but we were very concerned. Sorry again about having to draw the line there on sending any of our boys to Iraq. Something wasn’t quite right about that deal there. I mean like your Will Rogers used to say, “If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.” No offence.
We appreciate your concern about the whole Rob Ford thing. That hose-head is about as popular here as a fart in an elevator. And like any bad smell, as you say, he’ll be gone soon enough, though not soon enough for some of us. We could get into a whole McLuhan thing, he was from up here by-the by, about “the medium is the message” and how media is really just a big distraction machine whose sole purpose is to hold your attention long enough to get you to pay attention to commercials, but let’s suffice it to say that these days some folks are famous just because they’re famous. They’re there just to hold your attention, doesn’t matter how, to get you to buy all manner of stuff you don’t really need. Mostly big TVs, video games and snack food, but unfortunately often there are a lot of other “snack food” ideas that get thrown in around the edges. These generally end up as “talking points” for people with snack food intellects. Speaking of snacks, you ever tried Cheezies? We make ‘em up here, I’ll send you some. But I digress… We both love that whole “Freedom of the Press” idea but sometimes it only seems to apply to those people that own one, if you know what I mean? There’s that and you know it’s not good to eat a lot of snack food -- though I’ve heard there are some Americans and one Canadian mayor I can think of that may have missed that email. LOL.
We want to apologize to everybody for Stephen Harper. Again it seems than none of us have a monopoly on short-sighted regressionist ideologues. He got elected because frankly we kind of took our eye of the puck there for a minute. He continues to embarrass us in front of everybody. Just a small request for next time, if it’s not too much trouble, could you have an eye to what that Karl Rove fellah is doing in the off-season and keep him at home? Thanks. We’re still trying to sort out the robo-call mess and other election fraud ideas he sold to Stephen Harper’s Conservatives.
And yes, the border’s been a bit of a pain in the arse to cross this last while, some of those border patrol people are downright rude. But we get what you’re going through with the whole Security Theatre/Fear as Industry circus and we want you to know that we’ve got your back both now and when people come to their senses. Most of us like Cuba as much as Florida anyway.
In closing let me say we’d love to bend your ear from time to time about a couple of things we seemed to have worked out like regulating banks, money in politics, immigration, gun control, education, healthcare, criminal justice and welfare. We know you’re busy, but what are friends for if not to share the occasional good idea? We’ll continue to send you our best acting and comedy writing talent, I mean with material like Congress and more specifically the GOP we really can’t help ourselves. Take it easy eh.
Your Pal - Canada
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