Please run in 2012...

Dear Ms. Palin,

Please run for President of the United States in 2012. Please fight hard for the nomination; you won't be sorry. You'll be able to do so much good.

Think of it.

If you're nominated as a Republican, you'll lose, but you'll badly splinter the Republican Party, which will put it back decades -- the same party you threw under your book tour bus after the 2008 McCain campaign -- and you'll ensure the Tea Party becomes the new conservative standard bearer that completely alienates everyone but pissed-off white people, which will consequently put the Tea Party -- and pissed-off white people-- back decades and cause all to become a laughing stock, a punch line, perhaps the entire joke itself.

Alternatively, if you're nominated as a Tea Partier, again you'll lose, and you'll dilute the conservative/Republican vote -- as Nader did to the Dems in 2000 -- which will put the Republican Party and the Tea Party back decades and ensure the Tea Party becomes a laughing stock, a punch line, perhaps the entire joke itself.

But no worries: either way you can then simply jump on your tour bus again and bail out on the Tea Party -- just as you did with the Republicans and Alaska in 2009 -- and distance yourself from them by explaining what really happened during your campaign, just as you did in 2009. After all, who knows better than you that you're your own party?

So you see, Ms. Palin, even when you do lose -- and you will lose either way -- you'll really just be gaining everything that's truly important to you: the celebrity you crave more than air and all the wealth you and your family will ever need. And isn't this the American dream you keep talking about? You'll be able to retire comfortably out in the middle of nowhere; heck, you can even invite Michelle Bachmann, Sean Hannity, and Glenn Beck over for weekly free-range loon-fests and have someone ghost-write your quasi-factual memoir: maybe Laura Ingraham or Ann Coulter or Michelle Malkin or... gulp... Liz Cheney.

And all the while, the nation you claim to serve so well will just continue to tear itself to pieces thanks to so many of your followers learning much from your special brand of near-blind narrow-mindedness, epic stupidity, bigoted devisiveness, and gob-smacking hate speech.

You can't lose, and we all love a can't-loser... er... winner, right. And God rest his soul, wouldn't Ronald Reagan just be so proud... mmmmmm.

So please, Ms. Palin, run for President of the United States in 2012. Please. Even though practically everyone else will be sorry as a result, you won't be and that's what really matters.

Kindest regards,
Mike