Good Bye, Brian Bennett...

I wrote and sent the following in a letter to my friend, Brian, back in July of 2016. Today he passed away from the effects of his cancer, which had been ravaging him for some time. I was lucky enough to have had his friend and caregiver read this letter to him, because I knew I would never be able to do it myself.  If there's someone in your life who you feel you need to speak to, do it now. You might never have another chance.

My Dearest Brian… 

It’s been far too long since we last spoke, this is entirely on me, and I’ll have to live with it. But now that I have your attention, I want to speak to you as directly as I can; I’ve always written far better than I could speak.

The last thing you need is to have me blubbering beside you, which is what I would do, all I would do. I can’t even talk to friends on the phone about you without losing it. So please humor me in this. I’ll speak plainly: I’m struggling mightily with what you’re going through and I take comfort knowing I’m lucky to have you as my friend. I’m thankful for our time, for our experiences, for you, Brian Bennett.

From the first second of the first minute we talked in Bay Music, what seems a lifetime ago, I knew you to be just as sweet as you always remained. I loved you then, I love you now, and I will love you until the day that I die. I believe you already know this, but saying it to you now helps me. You would of course remind me of your flaws and humbly deflect, but you can’t do that to a letter.

People so often refer to their hearts when they’re talking about affection: they’re hearts are “filled with love,” and their hearts “go out” to people. Well you entered my heart that day, you’ve never left, and there you remain. And although that part of my heart is breaking now, I know it’ll mend with time; however, enough about my heart. This is not even remotely about me, how I feel is immaterial, and the pain in my heart is my problem, not yours. Please know, though, that this breaking place in my heart is yours alone, and it will always be. I’ll always have you there to visit in my memories. Always.

Because it’s you I’m talking to, because you are to your core a sweet, kind person, I know you’ll understand this expression of love and not squirm over it. We’ve told one another “I love you” for decades. We’ve always meant it. Your strength has been humbling, but not surprising. You’ve been like a big brother to me, you’ve taught me so much, and I thank you for the lessons you’re teaching even now, Brian. Thank you.

In closing, please be at peace, please know within your own heart how I feel about you, and please know that I’ve enjoyed our journey so much. Although Todd Rundgren, your favorite, said, “There’s something here that doesn’t last too long,” please believe that my affection for you will last a long time.

Until we might meet again, ever your friend, forever your friend…