Things I'll never say...

I know, never say "never," but I'm pretty sure these things I'll never say are a lock...

• "Honey! Meryl Streep's on the phone!"
• "I'm going to skip the Master's this year and play the tournament in Portugal."
• "I can completely understand why you'd want a tarantula for a pet."
• "Welcome to the first day of class. You all get an A+, now please leave."
• "Let's see, 260 uphill to the hole and a one-club headwind: hand me my 3-iron."
  
• "Off with their heads!"
• "Honey? Please pass the blood pudding."
  
• "I can see my house from the 18th at Spyglass."
• "I spent this morning rigging an anti-matter converter. We might have a chance after all."
  
• "Release the Kraken!"
  
• "My last gig at The Beacon Theater was a good one."
• "Objection, your honor! Move to strike as non-responsive!"
  
• "Gosh... those Cheneys sure are a bunch of kidders."
• "I wish the NBA season could be longer."
• "Do you have any recordings of people singing scat?"
• "Do you have any recordings of Yoko Ono singing scat?"
  
• "Good evening Tokyo! We love you!"
• "Not tonight. I have a headache."
• "See that mountain? I'm going to climb it."
  
• "Wait a minute! Glenn Beck just might be on to something here."
• "I can't talk now. My pet lion just mauled its trainer."
• "Man oh man, do I love long bass solos."
• "When not bound to an atom, an electron's energy is no longer quantized, but like any other massive particle it displays a Compton Wavelength! Jeez, are you stupid. or what?"
  
• "Menudo or sweetbreads... menudo or sweetbreads... I just can't decide."
  
• "Vex me not or know my wrath."
• "Gee, I wonder what's on 'Survivor' tonight?"
  
• "Buy 100,000 shares of BP!"
• Anything that ends with "stat!"
  
• "I can't stay out too late. I have an early meeting at the White House."
• "To maintain forever the God-given supremacy of the white race."
• Anything that begins or ends with "People of Earth..." or "Boy!"
• "I wonder if Rosetta Stone has a Na'vi feature."
  
• Anything that ends with "...goes great with anchovies" or "...goes fabulously in this space."
• "Could we do another take of that scene? I know I can nail it."
• "This haggis is so much better cold."
• "I'm a bit uncertain about that Heisenberg fellow."
  
• "I simply haven't got a thing to wear."
  
• "Mr. Speaker! The President of the United States!"
• "This new Yanni album is the bomb!"
  
• "Wow... my Grammy sure is heavier than my Emmy."
• "Did you hear that?!? You take the pistol and wait here. I'll go into the basement to see what it was."
  
• "Please put my tennis sweater in the Bugatti."
• Anything that begins with "Bring me the head of..." or ends with "...my new BFF."
  
• "Yes, I promise not to re-gift the Beyonce CD."
  
• "You're fired."
• "I sure wish I lived in Minnesota so I could vote for Michelle Bachmann."
• "I sure wish I lived in Wisconsin so I could vote for Governor Walker."
  
• "I think Amy Winehouse is a genius."
• "George W. Bush really was a better president than people thought."
• "The supreme court got Citizens United v. Federal Election Commission exactly right."
• "Let's see... No. 13 at Augusta National... hmmm... oh yeah, that was driver, 8 iron."
• "Kate Beckinsale should never wear black leather body suits. Not ever! Yuck!"
  
• "Quick! Hand me my elephant gun!"
• "Wow, this crystal meth sure is tasty!"
• "A white belt is an acceptable accessory."
  
• "I just love the view from the Moon."
• "I wish Stephen King could write longer books."
  
• "Damn! I knew I shouldn't have ordered dinner in Klingon!"
  
• "That will be all, you're dismissed."
• "Two tickets to the UFC match, please."
  
• "Of course you're happy being a Scientologist. Who wouldn't be?"
  
• "First, I have to thank the academy."
• "I really do respect how kind and thoughtful Ms. Coulter has been on this matter."
  
• "Honey! Did you see my platinum Tag Heuer?"
• "I wouldn't have handed you the damn 5-iron if I didn't think you could get there, Tiger!"
• "What do mean Meryl Streep's on the phone?"

...to be continued.