San Francisco, CA: Sports writers in the Bay Area are worried that they're running out of ways to describe just how badly the area's two NFL teams have performed this season. "I really can't think of other words for 'suck'; it's bothering me and affecting my work," said Art Scribbens of the San Francisco Chronicle. And Mr. Scribbens is not alone.
Sports writers representing print and broadcast-media outlets from Sacramento to Salinas have banded together to form a support group with the unwieldy acronym SWIFTBATS, for Sports Writers In Fear Their Bay Area Teams Suck. Their hope is to work together to develop new and more effective verbs and adjectives as they continue to explain to their Bay Area readers and listeners the abject haplessness of the San Francisco 49ers and the Oakland Raiders. SWIFTBATS' cause has received the attention of Random House, publisher of Bantam Roget's Thesaurus, who will donate dozens of their thesauri. Further, California's legislature is considering a bill that would provide a research grant to fund adjectival/verbal development and archival for future bad seasons. “Having a database available will help us stave off future shortages, such as the one in which we find ourselves now,” says Dick Shunnary of the Oakland Tribune.
"As sports writers," explained San Jose Mercury News sports writer Anita Newward, "this really has been a terrible fall for us; we're unable to... to... oh... I just can't find the words," she sobbed. And Ms. Newward’s plight is being felt by television sports anchors who are finding themselves tripping over words and terms they normally have no trouble making up on the spot, such as "escapability," "defensivewise," and "much maligned." "We can't go on like this much longer," opines Channel 5's Mitch Manwhich, "we need to get the word out to everyone who will listen, but we can't find the words to do it: there are only so many ways you can say 'dreadful' and 'horrible' and 'lousy.'"
Bay Area residents are themselves feeling this prosaic pinch, this pejorative paucity. At water coolers all around the San Francisco Bay, sports fans are at a loss for what to say about Sunday's games. "Man, the Niners sure were... were... DAMN!"
It is this Monday-morning scenario, one which is repeating itself again and again, that is precisely the problem SWIFTBATS hopes to address and overcome. We can only hope they're more successful in their endeavors than the area’s NFL teams have been in theirs.
If not, being at a loss for words might become a permanent… um… uhhh… Damn!
(I've been a 49ers fan since the 80s, and remain one, and I'm beside myself at their current state; I wrote this piece in November after their sixth loss in a row. Writing it actually made me feel better.)
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